TWILA, DA GIRL WHO FELL IN LUV W A VAMPIR
by WonderingWonder34
Summary: Wondering comments on Twila, Da Girl Who Fell In Luv W/ A Vampir. It's been done before, I know, but maybe it'll give you a laugh.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, I'm bored and decided to take on this task. I'll be reading and commenting on _Twila, Da Girl Who Was In Luv W/A Vampir. _It's been done before, I know. Anyway, I've sat through _My Immortal _and I'm still here. I'm sure this can't be too bad. Though, I have a feeling I might be wrong...**

The original story will be like this, and my comments will be in **Bold. **

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**Before this even starts, my Spell Check has just exploded. And don't you love it how she doesn't even have the time, or intelligence, to spell out 'with'? Hell, she can't even spell vampire right.**

CHAPTER 1

Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet)

**I wonder how they managed to fit that on her birth certificate! 'Phyco' seems to sum her up, though. Even if she's spelt Psycho wrong.**

n i live in waschington wif my sister Midnite. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires.

**Were her parents high when they named her sister, too? Oh, Mindnite and Twila, you poor souls. And of course they have to be vampires.**

we feest on blood n no1 else noes dat we are vampirs. not evn are mom wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. yes we r LONERS.

**I never would have guessed! If you hadn't have yelled at me that you are loners, I would have never picked up on that. Thank you, Twila.**

i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott,

" **You're so vain..." **

i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez.

**Am I the only one who thinks magenta is a really gross colour? Not to mention that no human being would naturally have that eye colour. God, this character has moved into the Sue zone very quickly. **

i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes, (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok.)

**I don't care what 'steraphie myers' says, she sounds like a bitch. But, Stephenie Meyer on the other hand...**

i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up)

**Haha, 'missenthrop'. I got the image of some slimy substance falling off a spoon and landing on a plate. The sound it made was 'missenthrop'.**

that menz i hate other ppl accept midnite.

**Thanks for telling me to look it up, then telling me what it means two words later...**

one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS he haz realli white skin lyk me. he is satan's gift to dis planet

**If you're a 'missenthrop', wouldn't you hate him? Come on, Twila, you do have a brain don't you? Oh, wait...nevermind.**

(a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart.)

**I don't know what's more funny. The fact that she doesn't understand what Atheist means, or that she said ' God bless you Satan.' I think I'll laugh at both of them.**

so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann. she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat.

**They got some slippery seats in that school.**

edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir,

**Aw, I usually have to throw holy water on them or something. This girl's got some skills.**

i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine.

**Are you sure he's not your brother? You seem like the girl who might mistake her brother for a ' realli sexi vampore'.**

"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran away.

**Wait, what?**

i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite

...*** Still very confused. ***

neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob.

**Aw, why do you have to hate on Jacob?**

ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose wnated 2 meet me.

**Wow, has Carlisle suddenly gone Spanish? This is news to me.**

n his sisters alice, rosmarie, jasper n emet

**His sisters Jasper and Emmett? Wait, what?**

all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2.

**I sense a Mary Sue! I sense a Mary Sue!**

so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way.

" **Damn you, trees! Standing there and being so tall!"**

when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty

"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" he teasd me seductevly.

**Carlisle! What did she _do_ to you? She's cursed you with bad grammer and creepiness! No!**

ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married.

**Yes, because that's totally going to stop this 'carlose' from raping you, Twila.**

"Yea thats me lol" i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite)

**Whenever someone says 'lol' in normal speech, it makes me want to punch them in the face. And yes, Twila, it's polite to bow in Japan. But, you are in Washington! No!**

"nice to met you i said.

"So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house n we can talk about it."

**Gross.**

I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends.

**Oh, happy ending! * Vomits***

XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Thank God! Or, Satan, I should say.**

PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD

**I'm scared. Really scared. But, I brought myself into this and I'm going to finish it, damn it! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Welcome to the second chapter to this...I can't call it a story. It doesn't deserve such a title. Well, let's get this going.

FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine

**No. No it's not. **

u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos.

**I prefer the term 'prep', thanks.**

if u lik bella i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced.

**I need some defence, dammit! Cover her, cover her! Oh, Bella fans have been offenced! That's got to hurt.**

i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names.

**If I'm correct, no you don't. **

and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER

**I'm not going to go there.**

OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2.

**I haven't even gotten onto the chapter and I want to turn and run. God give me strength...**

XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that.) he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans.

**'mi chemical romans'! Oh my goodness! That's the best misspelling _ever_!**

i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice "Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?"

**In your chest? Those Mi Chemical Romans, they sure have some deep and meaningful lyrics...**

every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me.

" **You're so vain..." Ah, that's getting old. They do have voices, but I'm sure they don't have such a whiny and annoying voice like yours!**

OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths.

**Random vampires are random! What a nice way to treat a guest, I'm sure you would feel flattered.**

"WOT R U DOING?" i creamed.

**...*snicker* **

deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. den they stoppd and confused.

" **Why is there a random whore in our house? What the hell is going on? Put your clothes back on!"**

"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts. it wnt hapen agen" puting bak on mi clothe.

**If I read this correctly, they were taking her clothes off, now he's putting _her _clothes back on?...awkward wording...**

"Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod.

**Of course they did, Miss Sue.**

"it must be ur blood" sed carlose in horrofied. "Beauty, u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, evry vampir wil want to drink it.

**Oh, brother. * Facepalm.***

itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?"

"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling. Midnite hugged him

**Oh, hello Midnite. You were very quiet back there.**

so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk.

" **Behold the power of my finger, Bella Da Bych!"**

"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me" sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian.

**She's a what? Plebian? Is she a bi-polar lesbian? That would explain the outburst...**

edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed!

**Into what, a truck? A fruit?**

"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice

**I thought Jasper was ' da hulk'? What's this?**

"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her.

**Lovely description, Twila! Or Twola...Did you get a glass shard stuck in your head? No? Damn.**

He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me.

**Did he lose? **

"Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized "Guess wat srry im not a lebian."

**What's with the 'guess wat'? If you're not a lesbian, why is it a surprise? You're supposedly dating Edward... **

alice started 2 cry tearz of blood. "Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios

**Because you're grammar is horrible, Twila. **

"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time.

**Oh, hey there Emmett! You're just in time for a pointless explanation!**

"wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims, shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN"

**Good boy.**

Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me n her throat flew open.

**I can't help but picture her throat opening like a cupboard door, and blood spurting out...**

n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it.

**What? She _ate_ it? That's some fast clotting blood there... **

"Ohh mi satan" i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. edward jus laughed "its ok babe" he said nd kissed me for da 1st time!

**Wow, Edward. Is this really the place for this? Come on, now.**

(He had turned back from blak ed to white ed

**Oh...Okay, then. Whatever you say. **

(a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET)

**'Fruity Basket'! Ah, dear. This is so bad, it's funny!**

n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life."

" **She's just my sister. No big deal, it's not like I loved her or anything..."**

so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf.

**Watch out! Rosalie has come back to 'lyf' as a tree! Oh no!**

we had berger king 4 diner

**Because, that's usually what vampires eat. Duh!**

bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my.

**On your what? Wait, I don't want to know.**

his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen.

**Usually, all reanimated corpses are cold. Why is Edward so special? **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTA

**The voice in my head read this with a German accent for some reason. ' End Of Chapta'. Am I the only one? **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews! Here's chapter three, and I think I can feel this story eating away at my brain cells as we speak.

OK PPL HU REVIEW 2 SAY SHIT ABOUT MI STORI CAN GO FUKK DEMSELFS.

**Now, now. You're going to come across people with a sour attitude all your life. To tell them to 'go fukk demselfs' won't solve anything.**

my stori is beleiveble u just hav 2 keep readin n u can c y!

**Hi, you're writing about sparkling vampires! Not that I have a problem with that, but come on. **

1 but to ppl hu gav me good reveiws, THANX U GUYZ ROKK 333 LUV U

**Huh, well I guess '333' is better then '666'. **

CHAPTER 3

"Hey betch wat r u doin home." midnite asked.

**I wish I was greeted like that when I walked in the door.**

"u hav 2 promise not 2 say nething..." i sed nervly n midnite laffed n sed "hu wuld i say somthing 2, we r loners remeber?"

**Right you are, Midnite. Nicely put. Now, why don't you go back and colour for a bit...**

"o yea" i sed and told her evrythin dat hapened. she gosped wen i told her abot edword kissing me. "SO WATE" she scremed "R U GUYZ IN LUV NOW OR WHUT?"

"ya were goin 2 homecuming 2getha."

**When did this happen? Twila, don't lie to your sister! That's not a good way to keep a healthy relationship.**

i showd her my blakk dress wif lace n leather n my spiky black shoez. "edword sed he liks dese."

**You didn't seem the type to let Edward choose clothes for you...**

we laffed happy 2gether n danced arond da house. we were so happi 4 me.

**And you're 'goff', right? Huh.**

i sang tenagerz by mcr. den. ... DA DOOR NOCKED!

**Cue the dramatic music! **

"TWIL WERE R U. sum1 asked frum outside.

**Oh, so close! That's the third spelling of Twila I've seen. **

i went 2 da door n it was alison.

**And that's the fourth spelling of Alice in this story. **

i scremed. IF U FUKKING TRI 2 SUKK MI BLOOD AGEN ILL GET ED

**Twila and Midnite are most defiantly sisters, they both don't know how to answer a door politely. Maybe she should have bowed first? **

i told her. she bast in2 tearz.

**I'm sure she tried to spell 'blast', and how the hell can someone _blast_ into _tears_? ...**

**A wild Alice has appeared! Tear Blast! It's super affective!**

midnite quikly jumoed up 2 defend me but i told her to go awey bcuz i culd handle alis.

**Alice is only _five_ letters! How many misspellings over her name can she make? _Wow_!**

"ok y did u cum here." i sed. alisenz blody tears dint scare me. i new she had enuf blood 2 last cuz of wen she attaked alison.

**She attacked herself? Alright, then. **

"i felt sooo bad 4 tring to drink ur blood" she histericly cry. "i wnted 2 alopogize wif a present."

"All i wnat in dis world is edword, n i hav him so noting u can giv me matterz." i shucffed at her. But den ... she held up 2 TIKKETS 2 A MCR CONSERT!

**And Edward doesn't matter any more!**

"OMFGGGGG!111" i was static.

**And you powered all the houses in this small town! You go girl!**

i grabed dem from her n gave 1 2 midnite. "actully" alison wimpered "1 was suposed 2 be 4 me. so we cold go 2getha"

"But i wanted 2 go wif ed"

**Wow, Midnite must feel used. Oh wait, she's a static character, she doesn't express feelings like that.**

i shoted. i imagned his beutiful face wif his blakk eyliner n blakk lipstik. n his smexi bodi.

**This does not sound like Edward. Are you sure you didn't pick up some random person off the street? **

OK alison sed. "we can jus tak mi hole family. esmet realli luvs mcr 2"

so we went to da consert n ed n i had innercoarse on da way. evry1 tought we wer so cute.

**HA! I'm sure 'carlose' enjoyed that greatly. This is a very quick relationship, my dear. **

"THIS NITE WALK DA DEAD" scremed gerad way. den... EVENIEZENCE KAME ON!

**Whothewhatnow came on? **

dey sand a duet wif mcr. den dey sang sum more stuff.

**Did they juggle swords? What's the 'stuff'?**

emet had an ejaxclamation in da audience

*** Snicker* My goodness...I'd go pick up my mind out of the gutter, but this story has permanently put it there. **

n sudenly HE TURNED IN2 A BAT. "OH SHITTTTT NOOOO"

" **Oh shit, _son_..."**

EDWard sighed. "dis is bad too twola, dis is realli bad." all dis bad stuf kept hapening wile i was wif dem. vampirs turn int2 batz wen dey r realli exited n evry1 wuld no his secret but no1 cared cuz dey wer all gothz.

**But Edward seems to be fine. No batty goodness from him! That sounded wrong...**

gerad lookd at him from da stage n he jumpd down thru da crowd n came over 2 us.

"Hey r u a bat."

**Yes, yes he is, Captain Obvious. **

he sed in his fukking killer voce. i CREAMED so loud

**Ah, no! I'm dieing here! Hahaha!**

bcuz i luvvv gerad wif all my lyfe. his makueup waz runing bcuz he waz cring cuz dey sang helen (a/n dat song is abot his grandpa hu dyed RIP GERARDS GRANPA)

**I thought that song was about his grandmother? Hence the song title, Helena. Yes, I'm a My Chemical Romance fan, sue me.**

but he glarced at emset n tuched his wings n he turned bak.

**Wow, that was over quickly. Edward got worked up quite a bit, maybe he has a few issues?**

gerad went home wif da cullenz bcuz he nd emet becam bfs. cuz dey fell in luv.

**Rest Of The Band: " Where the Hell is he going?"**

i was sooo jealous but ed got angy n i told him i luv him so it waz ok.

**Of course it was. He must have forgot how loud you 'creamed'...Heh.**

WE ALL WENT HOM N I GOT GERARDS AUTOGRAF.

**And all was well in the land of lollypops and sunshine. **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE

PLZ GUYZ GIV ME MOR REVEIWS I FINK DIS WAZ A REALLI GUD CHAPTER

**This story just get's more and more messed up as it goes on...**


	4. Chapter 4

OK PPL I AM NOT A TROL! I AM A VAMPIR OK GET IT STRAIT

**I'll believe you when you can spell vampire, troll.**

THANX FOR DA PPL HU GAVE ME GUD REVEIWS U GUIZ ROKK

**Are those ' gud reveiws' the ones you submitted for your own story? **

CHAPTER 4

I was walking down da halway in skewl wen i saw Ed wif... bella!

**Dun Dun Duuun! And so the drama begins.**

she waz askin him sumfing n cring all over da place. "Wat is goin on" i snared n edword hugged me n sed "Its ok i waz tring 2 ignore her butt

**Bella must have a nice butt, but you just couldn't keep that to yourself could you, Eddie? **

she wnt go away."

"Plz plz edmard" she cryed. "I realli want 2 go to homecumin wid u. i go evry year wif no date n now im in luv wif u nd i want u to b mi date."

**Doesn't Bella hate dances? Why is she begging him to go to one with her? **

STFU edward sed.

**A'tta Boy!**

"Cant u see dat i alredi hav a date. Dis is my gf TWILA."

**QUEEN OF BAD GRAMMAR AND EVERYTHING 'GOFFIK'!**

"Yea u better bakk off." i told her. "odderwize thingz mite get messi."

**' odderwize'? Just because you can sing Mi Chemical Romans songs doesn't mean you can make up words, Missy!**

She ran away screming.

**I would too, Bella. I would, too.**

"So hav u cn Esmet?' i assed him. "He waznt in homroom 2dai" "Yea ummm Tqila, he transforrmed out of da skewl so he culd go on tourz wif Gerad."

**Ha, I wish I could drop out of school and go on tour with a band! Damn you, ' Esmet'! What makes you so special?**

"But hes a vampir1" i was socked at dis. "Yea but ur a vampiir 2." ed sed. "o yea." i sed. (a/n I DINT FORGET I WAZ WATING 4 DA RITE TIME TO BRING IT UP AGEN.)

**How is this vampire thing even relevent to the conversation? Other then trying to tell off the flamers, this isn't important. Stupid chick.**

so we both turned in2 batz n flew 2 class (no1 noticed).

**...if there's a bee in my school hallway, everyone notices. You think they would notice two bats...**

When skewl ended i went in2 my car and drove hom. Wen I got der my sister was geting maried.

**Wait, wait, wait. What?**

"OMSG

**Oh My Satan God? **

R U GETING MARIED 2 JAZER."

" **Yeah, because Jasper has some really weird tree thing. I found Jazer and he's the one!" **

i culd not beleve it.

**I can't either.**

'yea' she smeled. "I luv him n he iz goin 2 live wif us now."

I storted 2 cry becuz ed n i wernt maried yet. Midnite trid to hug me but i shot her away,

**Boom, head shot!**

bcuz her lif waz so much betta dan mine. "Im alredi 16 n im not marred yet." tears swam down mi beatiful face.

**You have so much ahead of you! You don't need to be married to him. You're sixteen. **

Suddenly... dey al shoted "SURPISEE!1" Midnite n Jasper wernt getting married... IT WAZ 4 ME AND ED! (a/n dey got mared da next day insted).

**Gee, you couldn't have just been happy for your sister? **

"NO WAY I was sooo inflated.

**_Awesome_ image in my head.**

Edward and me had an atheest ceremoni in my hose.

**In your hose? Whatever you say, Twila.**

So we were huband and wives. Midnite, Jazper, Esmie, Emet, Gerad, Rose, were all dere... but so waz... ALLICE!

**The suspense, it's too much!**

"I hope ur not mad dat me n ur brother r married." i sed to her gothikally after da wedding. "I told u that i dunt lik u that way, im not lezz."

**Nicely put, Twila. Let her down gently... **

"Sigh" she knew.

**Huh?**

So we all went 2 a party n had lots of blood. Then we went bak to mi house. Some1 rang the bell n i answered it, making out wif Edword.

**Okay, you two, knock it off. There's someone at the door, let's act civilized and take your tongues out of each others throats for a few minutes.**

"Y DID U MARRI HIM YOU IGNORANIUS." shoted da guy at da door.

**Hey, if I saw someone making out while answering the door, I would make up unpronounceable words, too. **

It was Bibby Brown.

*** The writer will be back in a few minutes, seeing as she's fallen out of her chair from laughter.***

He ran in on his weelchaire n Jacob flowed him.

**This sentence just confuses the hell out of me. Maybe Bibby Brown is running on the chair while Jacob is pushing him? **

"Dont u dare tuch Twia." snotted Ed. Every1 came 2 c what waz happening. "Why wold I toch her, shes hieneous" he glarred at me.

**I know you're upset, Bibby, but no need to make up such words.**

"THATS IT NOW I HAV 2 KILL U." boomed mi busband. He turned in2 a savage lik da time i went to his house.

**Care to specify? I'm sure you've been over to Edwards house more then once...**

I told him 2 stop becuz i needed to talk to Bolly n Jakob. he stoped.

**Who the hell is Bolly and Jakob? Where's Bibby and Jacob? They were cool.**

"Ok y dont u want us 2 be together y is our love so bad 4 u" i cried.

**Everyone grab your tissues, here comes the soap opera moment...**

"Itz because... I CANT SAY IT." sed da guy in da wheelcher.

**Who's the guy in the wheelchair? Bibby or Bolly?**

"JUST SPIC IT OUT." every1 sed. he began to cry histerical. "Mebe dis song will help u undersand."

**I thought this was a Twilight Fanfiction, not Glee.**

he started 2 sing in his crampy old voice "WELL I MIS U. I MISS U SO FAR. N DA COMMISION OF UR KISS, DAT MADE IT SO HARD."

**Wow, Twila really gets around...**

Well gerald was FORIOUS becuz dat was his song n he started 2 attak him bcuz of copiright refrigement.

**Those lyrics were cold, man. They needed copyright refrigeration.**

(a/n I DNT OWN THE LYRCS TO DA SONG EITHER).

**That's right, you fear him! Fear the rath of 'gerald'!**

Ther was a big fite n i storted to cry "Oh no, ur in luv with me arnt u."

" **It's a curse!"**

And Bobby Ran away from gerad n sed YES. Edword killed him.

**Oh, he killed Bobby. I was worried he killed Bibby or Bolly...**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAOTER 4XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**This was a pretty fun chapter...Oh, no. My brain...it hurts...**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews and alerts/favourites! It means a lot!**

IF U R LEVING ME LONG AZZ REVEIWS ON Y I RUNED UR LIFE DEN SORRI GET DA FUKK OVA IT.

**If you ruin someone's life, they're not just going to 'get over it'. **

i am gong 2 keep makin chaptas n if u report me den ur a lozer, ill just make a new accont.

**At least you're persistent.**

NEWAYZ FANX 2 DA PPL HU GAVE ME GOOD REVEIWS AGEN U GUYZ KEEP ME GOING. PLZ ENJOY CHAPTA 5.

**Thank you, I think I will...*twitch***

CHAPTER 5

We didnt no whut 2 do wif all da blood from bobby brown so every1 just drank it off da floor.

**Mmm. Gross.**

We had weding gamez n shit

**Lovely description again, Twila. **

and jacob left cuz he waz angri at us 4 some resason.

**Yeah, hello, you killed his Dad!**

We playd spin da bottle n GErard had 2 kiss ed. (a/n lol bi guyz r sooo hot)

**Okay, whatever you say.**

i waznt jelous cuz dey r both guyz. But Emetr was deprezzed becuz Gerord is his bf. We listened 2 Green day and he got cheered up.

**Green Day is an awesome band, but I would pick different music to cheer him up...**

I was gong 2 sleep dat nite when i got posesesd by Saten. But it was ok cuz were friendz n he just doez dat sometimes as a joke.

**Satan: " Hello, Twila. I have come from the pits of Hell to make you do my bidding." Twila: "Oh, Satan, you're so silly." Satan: " ..."**

**Any Supernatural fans out there? Are you picturing Mark Pellegrino arguing with some Gothic chick? It's an amusing image...**

I asked him wat he wanted n he told me 2 kill Rosemarie.

**Oh, that's reasonable...**

"What y?" I new dat Ed would be angey if i killed his sister.

**He seemed pretty fine when Alice almost killed her in chapter two...**

"Becoz she is a blond prepp" sed satan suicidelly.

**Is he stabbing himself while saying this?**

So I went 2 der house in da dark n i knew wich was rosalyns room becuz da door was pink with pompomz hanging from it n a poster of Holary Duff. I broke down da door but inside waz... EDWIRD!

**Incest? This story has it all! GAH!**

"WTF IS GOING ON U ASSHOLE" i scremed "DIS IS UR ROOM?"

**Uh, does it look like it, Twila?**

"NO LET ME FUKKING EXPLAN" he began to cry. Den i saw... ROSA WAS ON TOP OF HIM!

**Whoa! When did Rose Hathaway get here? **

"EW WTF U BUSTARD DATS UR SISTER!1" i exploded. I transofmed n began to tear da room apart n ripped all da preppy posters down.

**I would be doing more then ripping down posters if I found my husband in bed with his sister...**

I jumped at Rosalien n bit her neck nd she started having a sezure. Then she ran around nd died. Ed kept crying.

**If she's having a seizure, how can she be running around? That doesn't make any sense! **

"Dis is disgusting" i said wif disgust.

**My thoughts exactly, President of the Department Of Redundancy Department.**

"I cant beleve it, u nd Rose." "Just listen ok" he pleased. "I culdnt c in da dark, I thought she was you."

**Wow, Eddie. Wow.**

"Yea rite like I beleve dat. We're getting a devorce!" I waz so pissed. But den Edward got on his knes n sang "If u mary me, will u bury me, will u carry me 2 da end?"

**Get your shovels, guys. We have a vampire to bury.**

Nd I remembad da promise we had mad ova dat song when we got marred. We sed we wuld alwayz b der 4 each odder.

**He cheated on you! With his sister! Hello?**

"Ok fine dis is ur last chance bittch." I ran out of da room nd saw Carlose in da hall. "Hey babez"

**Oh no, creepy man is back.**

he laffed. "Im so much betta dan edward, y dont u come upsters wif me?" But I just ran away sadly becuz every1 wanted sumfing from me.

**This is so confusing...**

The next day was a bad tim becuz it was akward betwn me nd Ed. Nd plus Midnite was in da hospital from slitting her rists, becuz Jazper had called her a slutt.

**Jazer and Jasper formed a team to belittle Midnite. Team Jazper.**

He waz getting realli moody all da time nd he acted jelous around me nd Ed all da time. I asked him abot it in skewl

"Hey y da fukk did u mak my sister slit her rists." I roared. He sighed wif deprezzion nd sed "Im just not in luv wif her anymore, after u killed alic I saw ur true strength."

**Wait, she killed Alice? What?**

"What r u saying?" I dint undestand. "Im saying dat i would rather b with u dan her. So I was hopping dat she wuld kill herself nd we wuld b devorced."

**Wow, Jasper, that's a great thing to say to your wife. You really are a great person.**

"Omg i wuld neva b wif u in a million years, ur a terrible person..." i sed wif tears of blood pooping down my pale face.

**After reading this, I have two things to say. One, I agree with Twila here, Jasper is a terrible person. And two, her tears are disgusting if they are pooping down her face.**

I waz wearing violet fishnetz wif safety pins in dem and a red corset wif a blakk vest over it n a pentagram n lots of safety pins nd tight blakk jeanz.

**Random clothing description! **

Mikael, Jabob,

**Jabob!**

Bella, n Jessa all gatered around us. Jasp waz so embarassed. A lot of da teachers came over n stared at me.

"Twila plz report 2 da principles office." The teachers sed strangly. So i followed dem nd da princple was der

**Really? That's never happened before!**

and he sed to me "Im sorri but we r going 2 hav 2 tranfer u to a diff skewl."

"OMFG NO." sed loudly. "I CANT DIS IS WER EDWARD GOZ 2 SCHOL."

**Thanks, Miss Obvious. **

"Yes," they admited uncomfortly. "But ur causing a realli bad diserbance in da school. U c der is somthing... odd abot u. Nd no1 feelz comfortble wif u here so u hav 2 go 2 dat other school in Waschington, calld Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy. "

**I freaking love the name of that school.**

I culdnt beleve it. I waz nevr gong 2 see ed agen if i went dere. I jumpd out da window

**Twila! The principal just admitted that there was something odd about you, why don't you use the door instead of the window? **

n ran home n took out a nife and cut miself. Der waz blood all ova da floor nd i fell down and started 2 die.

**Everybody: Yay!**

XXXXX 2 BE CONTINUED XXXXXXX

**Everybody: Aww...**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPER 5XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OK GUYZ SORRI FOR DA CLIPHANGER. I WILL UPDATE SOON. REVIEWS THANX

**Oh no! Crazy cliffhanger! Will Twila live to see another day? Will Edward ever return to his normal self? Will Wonder's brain cells ever come back?**

**All of this, and more, in the next chapter of _Twila, Da Girl Who Fell In Luv W/ A Vampir! Coming soon!_**


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: ok u noe wat prepz? im gong 2 rite mi stori betta so u guyz kan stup complaning abot chatzpeek.

**So much for that.**

SO NOW U WILL HAV NOTHING 2 FLAMM ABOT HA HA.

**Trust me, they won't be flaming you just about your chatspeak. **

nd btw stopp tellin me 2 use spellchek, becuz im using notpad nd it dosnt have it ok!

**That's not an excuse! Use Google!**

midnite fanx for da good reveiws, n every1 else hu gav me good reveiws, u guyz rokk! TATA GLIESBIE I LUV U!

**TATA? Ah, gosh no! Hahaha!**

PREPZ STUP FLAMMING!1 GOTHZ ROCK 666

**PREPZ ROCK 333.**

CHAPTER 6

XXX CONTINUD FROM DA LAST CHAPTER XXX

**I wouldn't have guessed.**

When I woke up Deward was over me. "Twilla. TWILA!" he screwed into my ear.

**Ah, really bad mental image in my head! Get it out!**

"Youre going to be ok."

My long strait hair was all around me, I was laying on the flor. I was wearing a black spagitti strap shirt with a matching sweatshirt over it nd a blak jean skirt with MCR pins on it. I had on ripped fishnets and blak highheels that had spikes coming out of them. There were bandagez all over my arms and body were I cut myself. You could c the blood coming thru.

**This almost reminds me of a nightmare I had, except 'Deward' was a doctor, and he was holding a drill above my face. The only difference between that and this was that he wasn't trying to have sex with my ear, and I wasn't dressed like a slut.**

"Just fukk off ok?"

**He's trying to help you, Twila...**

I said with a sad smile

**How can you tell someone off with a smile on your face? Sad or not. **

and I storted to cry. He tried 2 comfort me. He had his bronz hair in spikes with purple steaks in it and he had on white fondation on his sexah face. There were tears raining down from his topaz eyes. "No plese tell me y you did this." He shooted.

"I dont want to effing talk abot it ok can you just bakk the fuk off!"

**She is really a great person. So loving and caring...**

I was so depressed. I got up off the floor and tried 2 run out the door but Edward stopped me. "WAIT!" he whimspered. "There is some1 waiting for you out there, itz not safe." His voice got all low and hott like a male version of Amy Lee in the begining of Goin Under.

**So, he sounds like a girl? **

"But I really need too talk to you." I begged pleasingly. "Lissen, I cant stay in dis school anymore."

"WE CAN TALK LATER, WATCH OUT, SHEZ ABOUT TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!" Suddenly I turned around and the door smashed down. It was .. ... BUFFI THE VAMPIR SLAYER! (a/n fanx for da sugestion! 666 XXX)

**Buffy! Have you come to save me from this horror of a story?**

"Ahahaha, dont even bother," she said meanly. "You cant escape from me Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz Sad'ness Cullen."

But I was to angry to even c her.

**Quick, Buffy! Her back is turned!**

"You now what Edword, u never pay attencion to me. Why dont you just go to Emett, so you guys can screw? Becuz you obviously dont care abot me."

**Isn't Emmett on tour with Mi Chemical Romans?**

"NO PLEASE" he got down on his knees with dark tearz of sorrow. "Give me another chance"

"Do you remebr what I said that nite." He lookd at me all confused and sad, and Buffie started 2 take out her sword.

**I didn't know Buffy had a sword.**

"I SED ONE MORE CHANCE AND I MEANT IT NOW YOU CAN JUST GET THE FUKK OUT OF MI LIFE BECAUSE YOU ONLY HURT ME."

I took off da pentargram he had gotten me nd just before I was about to throw it out the window he ran over and hugged me and startd 2 sing "Cruxifiction in Space" by Marlin Manson. Dat song was so touching and I had to forgiv him.

**He had sex with your sister, you horny simpleton! **

"Excus me were were we?" laughed Buffie da Vampir Slayer looking at us. "Look if u dont get out of here, i am gong to post dese pictures of u screwing Angell on the internet!" I shooted.

**I would guess they are probably on the internet already...**

She got scared becaus she didnt want 2 end up like that prep Pares Hilton.

**Really, Buffy? Really?**

A lot of other stuff happened

**Intercourse? **

nd then Edword went home, we were still marred. But I didnt get 2 talk 2 him abot transferring. I went home n listened to Panic At Da Disko

**Because listenig to 'Panic At Da Disko' is more important then telling your husband you'll be transferring schools.**

and put on a blak nitegown nd put my hare up in a blakk skull clip. I went 2 take a bathe but when I went to da tub I saw. ... Edard!

" **Oh, Edard, silly. Get out of my tub, I'm waiting for Edward."**

"How did u get in here?" I asked shockly with anger. "I transported n, I have telekinisis." (a/n LIKE VOLXEMORT FROM MY IMMORTAL LOL.)

**Telekinesis is the power of _lifting things_ with your _mind_! If he's suddenly in your tub, he has freaking t_eleportion_, not _telekinesis_! Ahh, you dumb poof!**

So we took off our cloths nd you guyz can guess what we did (yea u pervs get ur mindz out of the glutter.)

**You get _your_ mind out of the gutter. **

The next morning I woke up and I COULDNT BELEVE IT.

**You better believe it!**

"OMFG ED WAKE UP RITE NOW." I scremed. He drove over 2 my house to see what waz wrong.

**She has a loud voice...**

"IM PREGGANT."

**Congrats, you've just reached an all new level of stupidity, Twila. **

I was crying. I started 2 kut my rists over the bandages with a razor. Just then da fone rang, it was the principal saying "Twola, ur going to be late for ur first day at Mount Saint Prepz Acadamy."

**What a nice principal! I wish mine was like that. **

"THATZ IT THIS COULDNT BE ANY WORSE." I flew in2 my bed and kept crying nd my pillow turned red nd black with makup and blood.

**That poor baby. **

"YOURE GOING 2 MOUNT SAINT PREPZ ACADAMY?" EDWARD YELLED. "I WAS TRYING TO TELL U THAT LAST NIGHT YOU IDIOTIC AIDS!"

**Again with the made up insults! That one doesn't even make sense! **

I culdnt take it, my life was absolutely terrible and I had nofing left to live for.

**Your baby? The next sale at Hot Topic? **

Edword tried 2 calm down and hug me but I punched him away.

**Ouch! Don't take that from her, Eddie! **

"Please itll be ok." He pormised. But I didnt believe it. I just wanted 2 watch Da Ring nd overdosse with aspirin and pot. I storted to sing How Could This Happen 2 Me by smipple plan.

**The song is called 'Untitled', you donkey. **

Ed weeped and weeped (a/n if u dont luv sensiteve guyz den fukk off!) nd I fell asleep having nitemares abot prepz and babiez.

**This girl is insane, there's no way she can know she's pregnant a day after sex. I...no, Wonder, keep going. You made it this far...**

XXXXXXXXXXX END CHAPTER 5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

lol I BET U DINT EXPECT DAT

**No, because it was stupid. Although, I honestly think I should have...**

WELL U WILL HAVE 2 WATE ND C WAT HAPPENZ.

**Oh, joy. I can't wait. * Pulls a blanket over my head.***


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm sorry for the wait. I actually got a few of these chapters done, so those should be up very soon. Thank you to all of you that are reading along with me, and I hope you aren't as brain dead as I am at the moment! Enjoy, if you feel the need to...**

a/n: FLAMMERZ BAK OFF.

**Flamers: " Keep going!"**

GOTHZ FANX 4 DA GUD REVIOWS. sorry dat i tuk so lung 2 updatt! ok i waz lissening 2 lenkin park nd i storted 2 ovrdose on pot, crak, maryajana nd koke.

**And you're still alive?**

and i had 2 go 2 da hoospital for a week lol.

**That's so funny, really. 'Lol'.**

CHAPTER 7

The next day I woke up in the morning and opened my icy topaz eyes. I was covered in blood.

**Ah, you broke it! There were no spelling mistakes in those two sentences! **

Der was blood all over my bed.

**Never mind.**

My rists had started cutting during the night while I was having nightmares.

**Your wrists cut themselves? Are you sleeping with a freaking razor? Eddie, your wife is nine kinds of crazy. **

I moaned smexily and got in the shower nd all da blood went down the drain all swirly nd stuff like in the movie "Pycho" (geddit lik part of mi name, btw if u dnt lik gorey moves lik dat den FUK OFF!).

**I like gory movies, but you don't see me naming a character' F'riddie My Bloody Valentine Maroon.' God.**

I had got sent the unform for fukking Mount Saint Preps Adacemy in the mail and I put it on suicidally.

**She was juggling knifes while putting this on.**

It was prep-pink with purple plaid and the skirt was realli long. I got a knife and cut the skirt and made it really short. I also got a black sharppie and made the whole thing blak.

**And you didn't throw up from the smell? I've said this before, but that has to be some sort of skill.**

I put a bunch of MCR pins on it and sum safety pins. I made a bunch of rips in the shirt where my bobs go

**Your uncle Bob? **

and you could see my lazy blak bra.

**Don't you just _hate_ lazy bras? **

I put up my long strait blak hair in a messy thing with spikes all shooting out and put on red ishadow with blak glitter in it

**'ishadow' almost sounds like something Apple would invent to take over the world...**

When I got 2 school there were a million prepz there and I started tu cry gothically and give them the middle finger.

**Viva La Revolution, Twila. **

Plus I remembed that I was pregnant and I screaming and all the stupid preps got scared and ran to tell the teachers who all wore pink.

**I want to punch her _really hard_.**

But they were all crowded arond some1 and gasping with orgasm and bewildedfulness. I pushed through them giving them all dirty looks and saw who they were staring at. It waz. . ... Edword!

**Edward's distant cousin?**

"OMGOD

**Oh My God Or Devil?**

WTFRU!111 DOING HERE?" I shooted jumping into hir arms. All the teacherz got scared and ran away and kept looking at his beauty from the distance. "Bby I just couldn't keep going to that skool without you. So I transferred here. That skool is just full of prepz now."

**How romantic. **

He storted to sing "You Know Whot They Do 2 Guys Like Us In Pirson"

**Butt sex? Ah, sorry. That was uncalled for! Sorry.**

to me and I loved him. I knew that he would alwez be there for me.

"Byt he way Twi, ur not pregg." I couldn't beleive it! He told me that he had gotten me tested and I wasn't going to have a baby.

**She needs to be there to be tested, Edward! Stop lying, this is serious! **

"I'm so glad lol." I was crying with joy. We ditched skool and dropped out.

**You would make a great role model, Twila.**

We smoked drugs and alcolol outside and the prepz wished they were as cool as us. Things were getting back to the good way that they used to be and** suddenly a lighting blot shot down out of the sky, and I could feel my body being thrown across the ground. Blood was pouring out of my head as I drifted into nothingness. **

**And everyone was turned back to normal, and this story ended. **

**...Yeah, but really, I think this needs to end very quickly. **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END CHAP

ok sorri it wuz so shortt, im still in rehab from da incidenx so i need 2 get better 2 rite more of da good stuff LOL

**Yeah, you being in rehab is a laughing matter. L-O-freaking-L. **

Bye.

**Adios! **


	8. Chapter 8

a/n: OKSU GUYZ PREPSTOP FLARMING! siruisly if u fink mi grammer iZ BAD DEN FUKK U BITCH! DIS TORY IS GONG 2 MAK ME FAMOOSE SUM DAY ND IT WILL B SOLD IN LIBARIES

**If this was sold in bookstores and libraries, I would fall to the floor a weep for mankind. **

OK SO WNH I AM A MELLONAIR U BITCHEZ KAN CUM CLAWRING 2 ME ND I WILL SAY FUKK U OK!

**Okay!**

disclainer: btw, TWILIGT does not belung 2 me, it is by serpantie millerz, ok she wunt su me now.

PLZ ENJOY GOTHEZ, DANX FOR DA GUD COMMENX. i am out of rebab soo i will b able 2 updat more arugato! OH ND fanx 2 Rodriga for helping me wif da spanish!

**Ah, no. Why Spanish? You barely have a grip on English. And seeing that 'arugato' is actually supposed to be ****asegurado, I'm scared.**

U WILL C WHAT I MEAN LOL x666x

**I don't wanna...**

CHAPTER 8

"Twila . . . . . . . . . ."

I kicked and whismered in my sleep as da voice got louder and louder. I was sleeping in bed with Edward, but I don't think he heard it because he didn't say he heard it.

**Of course he didn't say anything, he's asleep.**

Plus he was sleeping.

**Thank you for pointing that out.**

"TWILA, TILA!" said the voice screamingly. It sounded like an ugly old man, or it sounded like Midnite.

**It's most likely Midnite.**

I wazn't realli sure. I opened my eyes, which were like endless pools of beautiyful topaz. I looked around in the dark, but since I was a vampir I could see in the dark (a/n vampirs can see in the dark). I saw Ed next to me. His bornze hair was messy and sexah nd his pale skin glowed in the dark. He was silently singing "Da Hell Song" by sum-42 in his sleep.

**I wish I could sing in my sleep. **

"Hoes there?" I crapped **( Ha!)** poisonally.

**Nope, just some prostitutes. **

My long black hair whipped around me as I turned back and forth at da speed of light. I didn't c anyone there so I was fukking confused.

**Well, maybe if you stopped shaking your head at 'da speed of light', you might see something.**

I had on a silver nitegown with black linning, and blak lace all around da boobs. I was wearing blak stilettos nd had on tons of eyeliner that I had made cat eyes out of.

**Poor kitties.**

Then the voice contunued to shout, "Cum to me Tila Beautifu Psyco Topaz Cullen. OPEN UR EYES TILA TEQUALA FOR IT IS ME!"

" **Volsemort and da Death Dealers!" Yeah, but really, who is 'me'? And Tila Tequala? Is that her hooker name?**

"WHAT?"! I shooted. "OK STOP FUKING AROND, WHO DA HELL IS ME?"

Then I looked next to my bed and saw hu was standing ther! It was. .. ... A MAN!

**Ooh, a man! Are you sure it's not 'carlose' watching you sleep?**

"What r u doing u effing pervert." I giggled foriously. "U now dat izn ot aportionate to b in a toung girlz rom?"

**How can you _giggle ferociously_? Tell me!**

"Hahahaa. Si, but I c dat you are lovers wif mi enemios." He said in Spanish.

*** Facepalm times 5,000***

Suddenly Ed woke up and growled all ruff nd tuff. He shined his gloriosus teeth in the mans face nd he was temporerily blinded for life.

**Go, Edward! Teeth Blast! It's super effective!**

"MY EYES!" the ugly man shotted. So I was right, it was an ugly man.

**That was not very nice, Twila!**

I got out of bed seducingly taking off my cloths. Edmard gasped all angry and sensative (a/n lol jealous hot bi guyz r so great) becauz I was getting naked in front of a strangler.

**Watch out, Twila, he's got rope! He's a strangler!**

A lot of other stuff happened

**Sex?**

and den we found out that da mans name was James

**No. Oh, no.**

but becuz he is Spanish they call him like HAmez. We found this out because I bribed him wif my body.

**Hamez? Really? Why couldn't you pick a better Spanish name for him? Like Ricardo? Or Carlos? Wait, Carlisle has adopted that name already. **


	9. Chapter 9

a/n: OMG SOZ I TOOK SO LUNG 2 UPDATE. i kant realli say why but if u want tu know den msg me nd i'll tell u dat i had an emegency nd almost died from sallowing 5 bottles of aspirin lol.

**I don't get why you find that so funny.**

LOL GUEZZ WHAT, TU ALL OF U PPL WHO SAY DAT IM DUMB, MI PSYCOLGY TEACHER TOLD ME 2 IGNORE U

**You're in 'psycolgy'? Haha, you almost had me there...**

becuz ur just playing mind gamez 2 tri to make me fell bad abot miself. i am not da losser in dis situaton!

**Okay, I can't say anything against your therapist.**

neway PREEPS STOP FLAMONG, gothz tanx for da good stuff, MCR ROX!11 666

CHAPTER 9

Recap from Chapta 8: "I want to kill Bella becuz ..."

**When did this happen? Last time I checked, last chapter was Twila being a slut to get information out of a creepy man by the name of Hamez. **

"We kan help u wif dat." I said sexily.

"Muy bean." (C IS DAT SPELLED WRUNG.)

**If he's showing you a new type of bean, then no. But if you're trying to say 'very good' in Spanish, then yes.**

"I'll c u at dawn"

**Why does this remind me of an old western movie? **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When I woke up again that morning I was ready to kill Bella.

**Because I'm always up for killing someone in the morning.**

It was dawn and Hamez had packed all of da supplies for killing. Eddie woke up and opened his eyez which were the same as mine.

**Yes, yes. We know, you established this in the first chapter.**

We put on our makeup (he had on white foundation, black eyeliner, and dis fake blood stuff that goes on ur face. i had on purple eyeshadow, lots of blakk, and drak lipstick.) Hamez tried to watch us get dressed but I told him that if he didn't fuck off I wouldn't help him kill that little bytch.

**Are you sure Hamez isn't 'carlose' in disguise? **

So I didn't go 2 school but the preppy prinzipal was too scared to call nd ask why.

**He's scared of you because you cried? I don't think that he's scared, I think he hasn't called because you _dropped out_! **

Ed didn't go eiver. I suddenly remebered Midnite and knew she would want 2 be involved too but she was on her honeymoon with Jaspa who I had told to love her or else I waz never gong to talk to him agen.

**That relationship is doomed to fail.**

While we were leaving secretely to Bella's house, I got sad becuase Ed and I didn't have a honeymoon. I started to cut my rists a little on da way there and I saw dat Ed looked worried.

**What was all that in the bath tub that one chapter, then? I thought that was the honeymoon.**

When we got there Hamez borke into the house and we went upstares to Bella's room. The whole thing was pink nd it reminded me of Roslyn's room. I storted 2 cry all hot and angsty because that's where I had caught her with my husband. I cut my rists some more but Hamez said "Shhh, we can't let her no we are at her casa."

" **Si, Amigo, we can't let her know were in her Casa because we are paedophiles." **

She was sleeping all preppy nd there were posters of Ed on her walls. I ran over and tore them down wif my long, black nails. She was dreaming abot Ed and he started to get angry becuz he hated her.

**How could she know that? I thought that was Eddie's power, and he can't even read her mind! Freaking Sue. **

"Ok are u ready?" Hamez whimpered. "Here Tila you can take this sword.

**Sword of doom! **

Eddie kan have the needle, itz full of cyanide."

**And the needle of uselessness. **

Well I was sad becuz I had alwez wanted to inject myself but I didn't say neithing because I knew they wuldnt understend. I storted to cry tears of blood and Ed gasped and started crying also with me.

"Don't tell me . . . . ." he screamed wif depths of depression and pain in his voice.

**You're trying to kill someone while they are sleeping. Screaming is a big no no!**

"Dat ur SAD shes going 2 die?" "No you fukking retard. I'm sad because there are so many things dat I want in life but evry1 only cares about my bodi!"

"It's not ur fault that u'r beautiful." He cried sexily hugging me. Hamez got scared becuz we were being loud but Beela didn't wak up.

**Yeah, right!**

Suddenly we killed her.

**You can't suddenly kill someone when you're planning to kill them. There's no surprise in that. **

"Thank satan she's gone." we all said in unicorn.

**Unicorn: " This is awkward."**

Her body disintergrated into her bed which was all wet with blood.

**It takes years for a body to disintegrate, dear.**

We ate her bed so there would be no evidenze (lol geddit like evinezenze.)

**You ate her bed? That's really messed up, guys. **

And left before her mom could wake up.

**She's in Arizona, you poof!**

When we got to da door there was someone blocking it suicidally.

**What is with people doing things suicidally? **

"CARLIZ?" we all scremed at once.

**Who the flipperdoodle is Carliz?**

"Yes I can't take it anemore." he said breathing all crazy. He was looking at me! Edward put his hand around me like protection. "Why are u here dad? GET OUT." His eyes started 2 rage.

**I thought 'carlose' was his dad? Oh wait, he's adopted. You mean...Carliz is his biological father? Aww, family reunion!**

"I'm here to take Tqila. I am gong to make her my bride. And we will live in da darkness forevamore hahaha!"

**For...forevermore? Really? **

he laughed evilly in a gothic voice that I suddenly realized was sexy. Then I sterted to think.

**That's a first.**

"Wait now." I kommanded when Ed was about to kill Calile. DARKNEZZ FOREVERMORE?

**Why the random caplitzation of 'Darknezz Forevermore'? **

I thought beginning to have a mind change.

**...Maybe you'll be more intelligent?**

"Mebe that would be good for me you know? Because I need a vampir who can kepp me gothikally satisfied nd stuff."

**You want to be raped by a man twice your age? Never mind, that 'mind change' just made you more stupid.**

EDWARD WAS HEARTBORKEN.

**He was 'HEARTBORKEN', very 'heartborken', people.**

He satired to scream at the top of his lungs as black venemoos blood poured out of him. When a vampere gets ejected by da person that they truly love, there body storts to spazz all explosing like.

**...Tara-logic? **

I was misterious so I didn't let you know what was gong on in my thoughts lol.

**Haha! That's so funny! Not. **

"Yeh dat sounds like a plain." I said sullenly joyfully to Carlise.

**How can you be both sullen and joyful at the same time?**

He was surmised that someone like me would want to be with him.

**Doesn't surmised mean to make a guess on something without s****ufficiently conclusive evidence?**

Everyone in the room screamed in surprise. "Plz plz just tell me what I did to make you want do leave me." said Ed having an ellipictic sezre on the floor.

" **Please-" Twitch. " Tell me what I-" Gurgle. " Did wrong!" He starts to choke on his own tongue. **

But I didn't say anything still even though he was crying all too sensitive.

**He's have an epileptic seizure! Get medical attention!**

"Ok." I finally gasped at Hamez. "Please just go along wif this. You'll see da true intestions of my plan soon."

**Carlise: " I can still hear you."**

And I made him take Ed away. And then I went with Carl who was like "I'm so glad that u've made such a good choice," cackling all satanikally. We went 2 his house (STFU WE DIDNT EVEN DO ANTHING YET U FREAKIN PERVS.) And I knew what I had to do.

**Gross. Like, really, really, _really_ gross.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END CHAPP 9 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


	10. Chapter 10

a/n: ok guyz, i no u hav all binwaden 4 mi updats butt i waz on tour wif FALLOUTBOYY becuz dey red mi story nd invited me 2 come wif them nd it wa relly kool!111

**I call bullshit!**

YAH B JELOOZ! OK MCR AND FLLOUTBOYS ROCK! 666!

**'Fukk' you. **

CHAPTER 10

"So kan u plez tell me for why u decided 2 grace me with ur presenze." said Carli smiling. I noticed how sexah he looked wif his violet contacts in. He loked like an older, hotter vision of Edward and Pete Wints.

**Who?**

He was werring blak eyelinear that was gong down his face from da last time he cryed.

**When his six-year-old girlfriend broke up with him. **

"Ur son has taken advantege of me to many times." I growled staring at him all gothik. Soddenly my vision when blak nd all I could c was blakness. i screAMED AND SCREMED becauz idid nt know what was happiening.

**Did the lights turn off? **

Then I saw a vision of da antikrist nd i laughed dark and suicidally.

**What the fizzle? **

"Twila, I just read youre mind." shouted Calisi. No i said "becuse I just saw da anticirst?"

"Yes, my tru form is Satan." He describd.

*** Head-desk.***

"Dat was me gonig into your thoghts and I saw the tru reazon why u came here with me."

"Let me just tell u." I said sobbing becuz he had figered me out. "I kame here becuz... . . . .."

"Because you wanted to make Edwat jealos." He said and I storted to cry. "How did u know?" I asked all deprezzed. He sed, "Becauz i just rad your mind"

**Stupid and pointless, like this story.**

Then all suddenly somebody knocked on Carlo's door. He lokked at me sadly nd opened da door and some gurl I didn't know jumped in.

"What is dis. Why r u here?" we both asked the girl. She was realli ugly and twolve yerz old nd was wearing a pink Kelly Klorkson shirt nd had frizzie blond hair nd an ugly face. "HAI GUYS MI NAME IS FIONA!" she scremed giggling nd walked into the house but Carlisa pushed her back out. "But u kan call me FIONAFIONA32."

**Oh, wow. Really? I get that people fight over the internet, but really? This is low. Even for you.**

"Ew get da fukk out of here!" I shooted. "OMGZ ur such a prep." Me and Calri were both disgosted nd suddenly Edwoard appeared and bit her neck nd she stated to screm and bleed.

**Hello, Edward. You're looking well.**

I was sobbing becuz bleeding waz my gratest desire

**You cut yourself daily, one would think you bleed quite a bit...**

but my doktor sed if i cut miself anymroe I would die nd Edard would be sad. Anyway, Fona died on the flor and her body shirveled up and rotted away.

**It takes years for that to happen.**

Edward came in and got in a stand-off wiv his dad.

*** Tumbleweed rolls across the floor.***

"Plz plz stop." I said still crying. They were both killing each other nd their makup waz running down the faces. "I'm soz Ed. I didn't mean 2 hurt you I just wanted you to be jealuz. I doon't want to be with ur dad, kan u please take me home."

**This renders this chapter useless! All you did was kill a flamer!**

Edward was so relived but Carlise was crying angrily and he storted to transform. "NO!11" he yelled. "Nobody kan reject Satan. DO U HEAR ME TILA, I AM STAN!1"

" **All of you will bow down to the mightiness of STAN!1" **

"Yah I know." I said roling my eyez. But he kame running at me and I kicked him and he feel over moaning.

**Mary-freaking-Sue! **

Me and Ed left him there and walked out helding handz while "Thnx fr da MEMRS" played in the bakkground (a/n FAGG OT BOY FUKKING ROKKS!1

**Ha. Hahaha. Wow. What the hell is 'FAGG OT BOY'?**

IF U DUNT LIK DEM THEN GO KILL URSELF FUKK U! FALLOT BOY 4EVA).

**Oh, Fallout Boy. Once again, nobody cares.**

I had an invasion in my head

" **Quickly, load the canons! Common sense is invading!" A random explosion. " All the common sense has been destroyed, sir." " Gud, sargant. Tings were startin 2 be splt corrotly." Wow, that hurt my brain to write...**

sudenly while we where walking of da Antikrist saying "This is not over Twila, this weil never be over. Bitch" But I blooked it out becuz I knew I was stronger dan him.

**Satan: " Fuck you, bitch! This is not over!" Stan: " Mwahahaha!"**

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END CHAP10 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _Stupid_.**


	11. Chapter 11

a/n: HAM EVRY1

**I don't want your ham, thank you very much.**

ITZ BEEN 4EVAR!1 my mom trid to make me wear a drezz n i had a tanttrum n brok da computer n slit muh ritz. but no we got a new one lolz?

**What a lovely child you are.**

neway TONX FOR DA REVEWS WHILE I WAZ GONE, FUKK ALL U PREPS WHO HATE MI STORI! I SWERE ILL GET SATAN TO KILL U IN UR SLEEP U FUKKING POZERS!

**That's okay, I'll just get Dean Winchester. **

666 XXX MCR STILL ROX!11 XXX

**What about 'Fagg Ot Boy'?**

CHAPTER 11

The next day I was walking 2 Hot Tonic wif Edward.

**Good thinking, Twila. I could use a drink.**

When suddenly out of nowhere Hamez appered out of da blue.

**Hamez: " Oh, Hey there! I mean, Hola. Hehe."**

"Hi," we said gothically. But he looked very angery for some raisin.

" **Hamez does not approve of dried grape!"**

"Would you mind if I killed you,"

" **No, not at all, please do."**

he storted to sing from dat song by Withen Temptortion. "OMG STOP!111" Edward screamed jumping in front of me. I was so confuzed becuz I did nut know what was going on. Then I realized Hamez was trying to kill us.

**That was random.**

"Why would u do such a thing you- you sick dirtbag!" I cried wearing a long black satan skirt wif black leather boots and a ripped fishnet ponchu over a black velvet bra with red skullz.

**Who cares what you are wearing? And he's a dirtbag for singing to you...**

Mi makup was ruining down my pale pale face. BECUZ I WAS WEEPIGN.

**Are your tear ducts ruptured or something? You're crying all the time.**

"Now that Bellar is dead I don't ned your help." Hamez said as he also sobbed. "I don't want 2 do this but I have to. I'm afroid that . . . . . . . . . . . ."

**Would you like to buy a vowel, Hamez?**

"I DARE U TO FINNISH THAT SENTENCE." Edmond muttered at the top of his lungz.

**If Edward muttered at the top of his lungs, he wouldn't be muttering, he would be yelling.**

He turned into a bat and flew at Hamez but Victor leaped in front of him.

**Who the hell is _Victor_? Where are these people _coming from_?**

"Who are you?" we all screamed exempt Hamez becuz she was his gf. She had jumped out of da trees. Then we decided 2 make up because we had no reason to fight (A/N maybe later u will find out what hamez was goona say be4 lolol.)

**These chapters are getting pointless. I want Hamez to rip both their heads off and then me and him can walk off into the sunset. Free from the horror that is this story. **

Vikroya was wearing a realli sexah outfit

**Victor's suddenly become a girl. **

and Edward saw me looking at her and got realli jealouuz. He storted 2 make out wif Hamez to get bakk at me. "Oh no WHAT HAVE U DONE, OMG YOU FREAKING ARSE." Vikky shooted at my busband.

**'Busband'? Are you in a band like ' Bloody Gothic Rose 666'?**

"You just entered da pakt with Hamez." That was when we found out dat whenever someone kissez Hamez they get binded to him for da rest of eternity. "WTF that's so random."

**My thoughts exactly. **

I laffed satanically. Edward looked realli scarered but I just said "It's okay, I like bi guyz so you can be with him too."

Vikky disappered becuz she was mad that Edward stole her boyfreend. Then me, Edward and Hamez had to preform a special marriage cermoney for the 3 of us to all be together. We all wore lots of black. "That is all." said Hamez looking at me flirty. "Now we have 2 seal the pact by dranking sum blood."

We all had an orgay nd went out to hunt.

**There's the sex orgy I was looking for. **

We found a whorewolf

**Are you trying to tell us something, Twila?**

und were about 2 kill it when I relized it was Jakob. He changed back into a person and I gasped. His long blak hair had purple and silver streakz in it, his skin was ten shads lighter, and he was wering an Alezana tshirt wif tight blak pantz.

**Jacob! No! I need to go cry for a while now.**

"Omg Jake, um." I said shy and sexy. "Hi u look realli good?"

**No he doesn't, change him back!**

"Thanx i got a new style" he said and looked at all of us. "Since you killed my dad I got real hordcore. Hey guyz can I join ur pakt."

We had a sekret goffic huddle

" **You cover the linebacker, I'll get the quarterback. Okay, on three. One, two, three. Brake!"**

nd thout about it but they got angry and said no. Jakob storted to cry becuz we had killed his dad and now we owed him. But Vikatora rolled her eyez, "Yea thatz karma" she pissed.

**She pissed? And when did she get here? What did Jacob do? Edward was the one who killed his dad...**

But then he turned back in2 a wolf and tried to attack us. I turned into a bat and flew out of tha way but Hamez waz too slow.

**Dun Dun Duun...**

I screamed suicidally as Jakabob

**Jakabob! That's even better then Jabob!**

was about to tear apart Hamz who suddenly shooted "IF I DIE THEN U ALL DIE, REMEMBER DA PAKT WE ARE TOGETHER 4 EVER." We were all horrorfied at dis.

" **I thought we covered that in orientation?" " Mm. Nope, I don't think so."**

So we had to save him but we got all cut up but Edward said "Its okay Twi, you look exy with blood on you."

**If she looks so 'sexeh' with blood on her, why don't you kill her Edward? The world would be a better place. Do it. Do it. Do it.**

So we ran away and Jake got lost in the woods.

**Jacob, quick, run! Run as hard and fast as you can, you'll be free! **

XXXXXXXXXXXX FIN CHAPTER 11 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**One chapter left. Oh thank the Gods...**


	12. Chapter 12

a/n: ok r u redy 4 more?

**No, please, no...**

becuz sum certain bitch prepz were comploining i got more editars ok!1GET OVER IT!

**Those editors are doing a shitty job. **

dansk 2 everyon hu lieks it!

**Are you speaking German now? What the hell is 'dansk'?**

kep reding LOL GOFFS RULE FOREVER.

CHAPTER 12

Four days past and I relized that I didn't love Edwart anymore.

**Well, I did warn you...**

I couldn't beleve it miself. I woke up in da morning wif black tearz of deep sorrowfull endless evol depression all crying down mah face.

**And, let me guess, a dreadful frown on your face of endless darkness and sadness? Get over it. You were the dumbass who married at sixteen.**

I put on some Metalika musik nd cut rist.

**Metallica makes me want to slit my wrists, also. **

"Twila are u in there?" someone whimpered from outside my room. I gasped. It sounded like Ed.

**He is your husband...**

But I just turned up the song and sang allong 2 it, screming "HOLD MI BREATH AS I WISH 4 DETH, OH PLEASE SATAN, WAKE ME" (a/n arent dose lyricz so menengful.)

**So deep and sorrowful, Twila. I've got tears in my eyes...**

"OH FUKKIN SATAN NO WHAT R U DOING IN THAR!1111" Edward exploded crying becaus he knew what this meant.

**I don't know what it means, care to explain, Eddie?**

He knew that I didn't want to c him because I had fallen out of love.

**And he got this from a line of horrifically spelt lyrics...**

"Darkness imprizoning me," I wept sadly. "All that I see- absulote HORROR I KANNOT LIVE- I KANNOT DIE!"

**For these past days, all I've seen is the horror of this fanfic and a bitch who cannot die. I know how you feel.**

Sullenly the door broke down and a bunch of people kame in. It waz all da Cullens who were still alive n Jake (he had found hiz way out of da woods).

**I told you to run, Jacob! **

They all storted to pin my hot body down so I could nut move.

**Another sex orgy? Wow.**

"WTF ARE YOU DOING ASSHOLES." I shrieked. My rists were bleding everywhere. "NOW THE WORLD IS GONE ND I'M JUST ONE, OH SATAN HELP ME."

**Carlisle, I think she just called for you.**

They turned off da musik nd I fainted. "You can't do this Twi." They looked all serious. "We all entered da pakt by making out wif Hamez."

**Because the 'sexeh' Spanish man is very 'sexeh'. I need to go beat my head against a wall for a while, excuse me.**

They said nodding. I gasped again. "And Twila, u can't deny ur felines for Ed."

"Remember the pakt is that if you die, we all die." I woke up and asked "Yeah. But isn't the pakt just me Ed Hamez and Victory. What's gong on?"

**They just said that they made out with Hamez, entering the pact. **

**Twila: "O ya."**

"I know lol," I promised. "I fink it was just a fase I just went thru."

**You're in the clear, Eddie, it was just a phase. **

But then Carloyle stepped forward looking at me all weird. "Nu," he laughed darkly.

" **Nuuuuuuuu!" Sorry, that's not scary. It's hilarious. **

"I told u it wasn't over Twila Beautiful Psycho Topaz Sad'ness Damian Cullen.

**Why Damian? Why? Your name was long enough, you can't just change your name because you feel like it.**

I was trying to make you not love my son wif my powerz so you would kome back to me."

"Well letz celebrate." Jake screamed.

**One track mind, Jacob? **

"Twila doesn't want you Carl. You need to get over it."

"You really seem to understnad me?" Carlisse froned confusedly at Jake.

**Oh no, Jacob. Pedo-bear has set his sights on you.**

"No one has ever realli understood me."

So we all went to Vegass and had a party and came back to Washerton. Carlile and Jake got marred there.

**Were they drunk? **

Then Jake died sadly in an axident so Carliel got remared to Esmie.

**What's the point of having them married for one sentence, then?**

"Twila this place isn't safe." Edward told me that nite. "Did u see what happened to Jake, we need to go someplace safer. I know a safe place for vampirs it's called Black Cavern of Bloody Despair."

**That sounds oddly like the cavern I have where we kill annoying vampires like Twila. Oh, Eddie, you sly fox. **

"Den letz leave at dawn." I said staring at him deeply wif my eyes. "We kan start a new goffic life."

**How romantic...**

"Okay he said."

xXxXxXxXxXxXxX END xXxXxXxXxXxXxX

**That's it? Really? Even if this story was horrible, I feel ripped off. **

**Well, I want to thank everyone who read my comments and stuck with me through this. I need to go read some more Watership Down to replace the time I spent on this. **

**Also, if you want me to comment on some more bad/troll fic, please drop me a line and I'll see what I can do. Thanks!**

**Adios!**


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